I can think of two unlikely people.
They are Martha Jane Kaufman and Katie Miles, the women behind the oh-so-cryptically titled blog "Queer Kids of Queer Families Against Gay Marriage." These ladies are having none of it. Their single post is a lengthy manifesto, the general gist of which is that the gay marriage agenda "fractures [gay] communities, pits us against natural allies, supports unequal power structures, obscures urgent queer concerns, abandons struggle for mutual sustainability inside queer communities and disregards our awesomely fabulous queer history."
Whoa. Pretty heavy stuff. Marriage, they say, is an institution of privilege, currently disconnected from its intended ideal of mutual respect and love, diminished to nothing more than a set of government benefits -- health care, social security, that whole story -- that should instead be gifted upon all people, not just those who couple up. So far, I'm on board. Universal health care, I can dig that. Being able to leave your government cheese to whomever you please, where do I sign?
With passion and eloquence, these two women make a real case for fighting the hetero-ization of the gay American family unit. "As queers, we need to take an active role in exposing and fighting the deeper sources of this problem. We won’t let the government decide what does and does not constitute a family." Because, as so many gays understand first hand, whether or not there is marriage equality, we will form family units, call each other husband or wife, have kids, pay our complicated taxes, and all the other boring things straight families do. And the more I read, the more I am swayed. Gays have thrived and succeeded and benefited society for about as far back as we humans go, and if we've managed to do that so well without all the legal trappings of a "normal" family, why start now?
And then I got to this paragraph: "Instead of dancing, instead of having casual sex, instead of rioting, all of the 'responsible' gays have gone and had children. And now that they’ve had children, they won’t be bothering you at all anymore. There’s an implicit promise that once gays get their rights, they’ll disappear again. Once they can be at home with the kids, there’s no reason for them to be political, after all!"
Well, gals, you just lost me.
I've never felt more profoundly political than I have since my kids were born. While I always stood up for what I believed, outspoken and educated, I never felt as selfless in my righteous indignation for inequality than I have since becoming a parent. A bear in the woods can be a tricky thing, but a momma bear in the woods is a force to be reckoned with.
The argument here is that gay marriage turns us into harmless domesticated political pets, lulled into inaction by our white picket fences, our marriage certificates and 2.5 kids. That by becoming "married" we disappear into the fray, mindlessly frolicking in our backyard pools without a care in the world and sippin' on the hetero Kool-Aid.
Sorry if I'm not just a tad bit offended. I have a wife and kids, and a profound urgency to be more active, more political, more outspoken than ever. There are times where I do feel as though the success of my little family is a big middle finger to all those people who preach about homosexuality as an abomination, who argue that procreation is dependent upon marriage, or that happy, healthy kids need a mom and a dad. With each anniversary I celebrate with my wife, every family dinner, every success we share as a foursome, I think, “we did it anyway, you bastards. You said we couldn’t and we shouldn’t and that we would be sorry, but you were wrong. We don’t need your approval, but we're not going away.”
The question that Kaufman and Miles force me, and hopefully you, to consider is whether I would have chosen to lead such a deliberate life -- as in deliberately choosing those things that benefit me and my family and our world, from local organic food to inclusive preschools to social activism -- had I not had to fight for equality. If I had been able to just get married and have kids, would I have abandoned my dedication to the environment or criminal justice or global poverty or gay rights even? Would I have a career in contract law? No way. Joint tax returns don't blind me to the ongoing injustices in the world. In fact, could it be that the fight for marriage equality has only made me all the more aware of the greater battles that must continue to be fought, no matter the outcome of this one single battle?
In the end, this us or them, equality = assimilation, domesticity = complacency argument does more harm than good, in my opinion. By fighting for marriage equality we are forcing the institution to change, to shift away from its existence as a money-based, exclusive club free of red tape, to force a dialogue about what it is that really makes a happy family. And will that always be two people? Not necessarily. Does gay marriage mean the end of the fight for universal health care, immigration reform, and unemployment? I don't see how those things are mutually exclusive. Is it for everyone? About as much as gun ownership is.
The Queer Families against Gay Marriage manifesto challenges the gay community to fight assimilation. "We can play house without wanting to be straight." I can only speak for myself here, but I don't really have any interest in being straight. I also have no interest in being lesser, or greater, than any of my fellow citizens.
Martha and Katie live in this great country where we can believe whatever we want. I'm not going to stand in their way. If they don't want a gay marriage, they shouldn't get one. I don't need them to shut the fuck up, I just ask that they don't stand in my way.
Photo credit: The 5th Ape
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